The Dino has also told A that the Dino has a claim on all Pixar movies. Now, this I have more of an issue with. I have done the same for all Pixar movies as with Harry Potter. That is, not taken A to them until the Dino takes him to them, or until sufficient time passes (like two or three weeks) without the Dino taking him, after which time I figure it is ok because the Dino had his chance. But Toy Story is different. A an I enjoy these movies, they are some of his favorites, and BY FAR my favorite animated movies.
A was in his dad's care the weekend that Toy Story 3 opened, so I figured they would go that Sunday. They were returning from camp the day before, but there was an entire Sunday to go to the movie. A was returned to my care at 1 pm that Monday (after the movie opened). A asked me if we were going. I said that, yes, my plan was to go. He said that the Dino not only told A that he did not want A to see the movie with me, but that if I took A to see Toy Story 3 A should refuse to go into the movie theater and call his dad immediately.
Ok....deep breath......deep breath........
You may say - so what? Just let it go? Pick your battles! Yet, this is an example of my daily struggle. So often we cave to the Dino's demands because it does not matter, we can live with it, etc. Over and over and over again. But at what point am I teaching my child to stand up for himself? We tried to stand up to the Dino related to an Orlando band trip for which the Dino wanted (and got his way) to interrupt the trip and take A to our state capital for a Boy Scout event, for which a) A did not want to go (to the thing at the capital), b) A was scheduled to be in my care, and c) he did not communicate his plan, but communicated it to the school, with the school saying they could not communicate the plan to me because it was sent via the Dino in an e-mail. I will perhaps elaborate more in a future post in this fiasco, but things go too bad, nasty, contentious from the Dino that I felt the best thing to do was to let the Dino have his way. It is not what I wanted, it is not what A wanted, and it was not communicated to me in a reasonable way. But again, the Dino will take things to such an extreme that it is difficult to stand up to him. I plan on writing a post or two on some of these issues. But.....related to the Toy Story 3 thing, the decision was wrapped up in a larger history.
The really troubling thing is that if the Dino had called me up and said, "you know, I really enjoy sharing the Pixar movies with A. I did not have time to take him this weekend. Would you mind waiting to see it until I can bring him week after next?" But since V (wife #2 has moved back in after what I surmise is about a 9 month absence) the has not talked to me directly as a normal human being (unless perhaps in the presence of others - such as at the doctor's appointment with A last week - but only when the doctors were in the room - so as to appear as a reasonable dino). He only talks to A or at A for things that should be discussed with me. So asking such a thing would require treating me like a human being - talking to me. I guess dinos don't do that!
At first I thought, "whatever, I will cave and we will not go to the movie." But I really wanted to go, A wanted to go with me, so we went. I invited As best friend since kindergarten and his mom (and then his sister and her friend) to the movie. We had wanted to get together anyway and making it a group event gave A a bit more cover. After the angst created by the Dino quite recently from the Dino accusing A of lying to the Dino about swimming (A did not really lie....he just did not announce in nightly phone calls that he swam), A is especially sensitive and worried about the Dino thinking A is lying.
So this is A, throughout early this week:
"What if daddy asks why I went into the theater with you? What if he asks why I did not call? I could lie and say that I did not go to the movie but being caught in such a lie would be very bad,"....given the swimming non-lie debacle of 2010. So As story is that he went with his best buddy and a group (so it was difficult to not go....moreso than if it was just mom) and we did not have phones on us (of course by purpose....we made sure they were in the car so that he was not "lying."). But of course all of this is a fiction and is teaching A to lie as needed.
I hate this! It is so difficult to know what to do! What are the smaller battles to let go? Should a 14 year old need a plausible "cover" to go to an animated movie with his mom? How are they related to the larger battles? How to convey to in a constructive way to A that these choices are not normal, and that he needs to realize that when he is an adult he will still need to learn how to stand up to the Dino (and my concern that if we don't start with the smaller things how will he be equipped to stand up for the larger issues).
In the end I gave A explicit permission (although he knows it implicitly) to "throw me under the bus." That is, blame me for stuff, for taking him to the movie, etc. But is that ok as well?
I have been struggling as of late to not ruminate on these things (in my head or to A in any way). I think I succeeded this week as much as someone can feel like they have succeeded at a crazy task such as this (figuring out how to go see a movie in a way that will not get a Dino mad at you, accusing you of being a liar, a bad son, etc.). We went to the move and had a GREAT TIME! No angst once we had the initial few discussions, lots of fun....yeah Woody and Buzz. :-)
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