The Ache Part 2

As I mentioned in a prior post, A and I discovered the Vlogbrothers recently. What is so great about them is they are funny, quirky, so bright and engaged in the world.  They show kids like A that it is ok to be a nerd.....actually a nerdfighter - to dftba (don't forget to be awesome) and to try to decrease world suck. A is proud to be a nerd, but Hank and John have helped to reinforce as they would say A's "awesomeness."  Really, go watch them!

But you can also tell how much they get along with, have a strong bond with, enjoy and love their wives (Catherine and Sara, aka, the Yeti).  I thought the Dino was just such a nerd when we met in grad school, but this turned out to not be the case.

A and I are so enjoying catching up on Brotherhood 2.0 (the first year of the vlogs....we are up to July 2007).  It is great to see these guys, but it makes me sad that my nerd turned out to be a dino.  I guess I need the dino fighter in me, sad to say.  (Image from http://www.jocoteenscene.org/templates/JCL_NewsListItem.aspx?id=8580&epslanguage=EN)

Toy Story 3 Cover Story

Well, we had some Dino produced drama over going to see Toy Story 3.  The Dino rarely goes to the movie theater, but he does like to take A to certain types of movies.  Like a lot of 14 year old boys, as he has been growing up he has enjoyed Harry Potter books and movies.  The Dino has staked a claim on this territory, which I have ceded.  Yes, I wanted to take A to some of the movies when the opened, but the Dino told A that it was not ok for me to take A to these movies because the Dino wanted to take him to these movies.  Now, mind you, on two occasions the movie release dates were on days that A was in my care.  But trying to think of A and how he and the Dino share all things Harry Potter, I let the Dino take A to the movie on those days it opened.  That is a) I did not take A and b) I allowed the Dino time to take A.  The idea being that it is exciting to go to a moving on opening day/weekend.  I was ok with this.  It was for A and he was happy. No harm done.

The Dino has also told A that the Dino has a claim on all Pixar movies.  Now, this I have more of an issue with.  I have done the same for all Pixar movies as with Harry Potter.   That is, not taken A to them until the Dino takes him to them, or until sufficient time passes (like two or three weeks) without the Dino taking him, after which time I figure it is ok because the Dino had his chance. But Toy Story is different.  A an I enjoy these movies, they are some of his favorites, and BY FAR my favorite animated movies.

A was in his dad's care the weekend that Toy Story 3 opened, so I figured they would go that Sunday.  They were returning from camp the day before, but there was an entire Sunday to go to the movie.  A was returned to my care at 1 pm that Monday (after the movie opened).  A asked me if we were going.  I said that, yes, my plan was to go.    He said that the Dino not only told A that he did not want A to see the movie with me, but that if I took A to see Toy Story 3 A should refuse to go into the movie theater and call his dad immediately.

Ok....deep breath......deep breath........

You may say - so what?  Just let it go?  Pick your battles!  Yet, this is an example of my daily struggle.  So often we cave to the Dino's demands because it does not matter, we can live with it, etc.  Over and over and over again.  But at what point am I teaching my child to stand up for himself?  We tried to stand up to the Dino related to an Orlando band trip for which the Dino wanted (and got his way) to interrupt the trip and take A to our state capital for a Boy Scout event, for which a) A did not want to go (to the thing at the capital), b) A was scheduled to be in my care, and c) he did not communicate his plan, but communicated it to the school, with the school saying they could not communicate the plan to me because it was sent via the Dino in an e-mail.   I will perhaps elaborate more in a future post in this fiasco, but things go too bad, nasty, contentious from the Dino that I felt the best thing to do was to let the Dino have his way.  It is not what I wanted, it is not what A wanted, and it was not communicated to me in a reasonable way.  But again, the Dino will take things to such an extreme that it is difficult to stand up to him.  I plan on writing a post or two on some of these issues.  But.....related to the Toy Story 3 thing, the decision was wrapped up in a larger history.

The really troubling thing is that if the Dino had called me up and said, "you know, I really enjoy sharing the Pixar movies with A.  I did not have time to take him this weekend.  Would you mind waiting to see it until I can bring him week after next?"  But since V (wife #2 has moved back in after what I surmise is about a 9 month absence) the has not talked to me directly as a normal human being (unless perhaps in the presence of others - such as at the doctor's appointment with A last week - but only when the doctors were in the room - so as to appear as a reasonable dino).  He only talks to A or at A for things that should be discussed with me.  So asking such a thing would require treating me like a human being - talking to me.  I guess dinos don't do that!

At first I thought, "whatever, I will cave and we will not go to the movie."  But I really wanted to go, A wanted to go with me, so we went.  I invited As best friend since kindergarten and his mom (and then his sister and her friend) to the movie.  We had wanted to get together anyway and making it a group event gave A a bit more cover.  After the angst created by the Dino quite recently from the Dino accusing A of lying to the Dino about swimming (A did not really lie....he just did not announce in nightly phone calls that he swam), A is especially sensitive and worried about the Dino thinking A is lying.

So this is A, throughout early this week:
"What if daddy asks why I went into the theater with you?  What if he asks why I did not call?  I could lie and say that I did not go to the movie but being caught in such a lie would be very bad,"....given the swimming non-lie debacle of 2010.  So As story is that he went with his best buddy and a group (so it was difficult to not go....moreso than if it was just mom) and we did not have phones on us (of course by purpose....we made sure they were in the car so that he was not "lying.").   But of course all of this is a fiction and is teaching A to lie as needed.

I hate this!  It is so difficult to know what to do!  What are the smaller battles to let go?  Should a 14 year old need a plausible "cover" to go to an animated movie with his mom?  How are they related to the larger battles?  How to convey to in a constructive way to A that these choices are not normal, and that he needs to realize that when he is an adult he will still need to learn how to stand up to the Dino (and  my concern that if we don't start with the smaller things how will he be equipped to stand up for the larger issues).

In the end I gave A explicit permission (although he knows it implicitly) to "throw me under the bus." That is, blame me for stuff, for taking him to the movie, etc.  But is that ok as well?

I have been struggling as of late to not ruminate on these things (in my head or to A in any way).  I think I succeeded this week as much as someone can feel like they have succeeded at a crazy task such as this (figuring out how to go see a movie in a way that will not get a Dino mad at you, accusing you of being a liar, a bad son, etc.).  We went to the move and had a GREAT TIME!  No angst once we had the initial few discussions, lots of fun....yeah Woody and Buzz.  :-)

June - My Least Favorite Month

A was back in my care for the past five days.  He is with his dad more at the beginning of summer and I have him A more at the end of the summer.   The Dino and I have a very detailed time sharing arrangement as specified in our mediation document (that is official - in the court record).  In the summer we each get a 14 day time span.  In even numbered years I get my choice of the two weeks if there is an overlap and the Dino gets the same in odd numbered years.  We each are required to provide our preferred two week time span by the first day that our local YMCA has registration for summer camp.  This seems odd, but we needed some official date and this is what the Dino came up with and I went with it.  This date is usually some time in Feb or March.  Once those two week time spans are in the schedule we divide the summer up into one week time spans.  The person who had A the last weekend of school will NOT have him the first weekend of summer, so that is another rule. If there is an extra day I get it in even years, the Dino gets it in odd years.

Also, the Dino has A in his care for Father's Day weekend and the day before and the day of the Dino's birthday - 6/28.  This is only fair, since I have the same for my birthday and mother's day.  This means that I never request my two week time span in June, because I want to use that time to travel to Chicago so that A and I can spend time with my side of the family (and the birthday/Father's day rule trumps the you get your preferred two week time span in even numbered years rule).  This is why I have A only five days instead of seven (would normally have had him this weekend, but did not because of Father's Day).  In short, June usually sucks because I have A so little.

Mind you, for the past two summers the Dino has come up with an alternative schedule to the two weeks each and then one week one and off schedule.  Last summer he had a plan where we each had A in our care for alternating 10 day time spans.  I was fine with that so went with it.  This year he was adjusting the schedule up until late May because he waited too long to plan and register for some of his beloved structured activities. I proactively offered that I was ok with the changes, but then he took forever to get them done (got annoyed with me when come late May I told him I needed some closure, yet when he finally got organized called me at 7 pm one evening wanting me to drive the 6-7 miles to the Starbucks by his home to go over the schedule right then......and then got angry and annoyed with me when I said I could not drop what I was doing to do that - ugh!).

As with so many things, I have taken the approach with this summer schedule thing to not get too wound up about it.  I did in the past and it led to no good.  Is it fair that when I get A back from the Dino in the summer that A is a frazzled, tired mess, such that he cannot handle any sort of structured activity and wants to fall in a heap and just lay around (NO!).  Is it fair that if I wanted to be creative with the summer schedule the Dino would have none of it, but I allow him much leeway (NO!). Is it fair that any sort of summer schoolwork that is required (such as the summer reading project) ends up having to be done on my time with A (NO!).  But raising a confident, wonderful, bright boy with an emotionally abuse, control freak father has just about nothing to do with being fair (at least about what is fair for me).  It has to do with what will work for A.  What teaches him to do the right thing.  What addresses his needs.  I try VERY HARD to do this.  I am not always successful, but so far so good on this front this June.

This is a big part of why I make sure that Andrew has a chance to buy the Dino a Father's Day present and a Birthday present.  This relates to struggles with figuring out when to just let things go and let the Dino have his way or stand up to him.  Both for choices I make and for A asking me about what choices he should make.  But this entry is getting too long, so I will write about these issues another time.

The Dino schedules A within an inch of A's life.  God forbid A would have a day or two where he just hangs out, reads, swims, watches some movies or tv.  I am all for activities and enrichment, but As school year is so intense that a little down time is a good idea.  This means that I have given up on planning anything too structured for the summer.  This week we went swimming most days (except when it was raining.....could not - bummer).  We hung out at the bookstore, bummed around the mall, went to eat, read, and watched some sort of something (hulu, dvds, etc). Plus A made headway on his insanely detailed summer reading project, since none of that gets done during Dino time (given the over scheduling!).

We also just saw Toy Story 3.....so good!  Yesterday was the near perfect day.....met friends for the movie and lunch out, hung out at the bookstore and read fun stuff, came home and swam, I made a big bowl of vlogbrothers Brotherhood 2.0 videos.  We just discovered them so are watching the vlogs from the beginning - so much fun, so inspirational - especially for natural nerd fighters like A and me.

Expires in 2019

I just received my renewed driver's license in the mail.  My state now does them via mail, which is great.  My new license does not expire until 2019.  This freaks me out.  I remember when I got the last one and how the expiration date of 2010 seemed so far away.  A will be 23 in 2019, already likely out of college.  The passage of time is terrifying.

Summer Fun Dino Rampage - Part 1

Dino is on a rampage.  I am working so hard to not let him pull me into his negativity.  But not letting his nastiness affect me is difficult when I share 50/50 custody of my wonderful, brown-eyed, physics loving, one and only 14 year old and try to include Dino in relevant parental activities (such as today's doctor's appointment).  

Summers bring the added joy of face to face transfers (as opposed to transfers taking place through a school day, with one of us dropping A off and the other picking A up).  Dino's reason this time for the rampage is that A went swimming a few times while in my care but the Dino did not want him to go swimming (for no good reason mind you other than an unfounded concern that swimming would lead to an ear infection, which would then mess up Boy Scout scuba camp in a month's time). A had to undergo a grilling and be told that he (A) was not trustworthy and not the kind of son that the Dino expected.    I went through the same grilling (for perceived ogling of any man within a few 100 feet of me, doing crazy things like taking 45 minutes to run to the grocery store instead of his allowed 30, being found out to have committed the horrible, life altering lie of sneaking to see a movie that he did not approve of - as in anything that was not G or PG, that included any sort of nudity of any kind, even a hint of any sort of marital infidelity, or any actor he thought I thought was attractive.......good thing he never found out about my love of watching Andy Garcia movies given my experience with disclosing my like of Patrick Stewart!). There is no reasoning with this, of course, because you (me or A) never really did anything wrong, bad, etc.

This has led Dino to ramp up the nastiness toward both of us, but especially me.  I will not ramble on too much here  - except to say that it has been so bad that I feel physically sick - reminds me of what most days were like with him.....feeling like you had done something wrong, were a bad person, no matter what you did good could not ever make up for the horrible bad thing you did (like get your haircut without telling him or inviting him along, going out to lunch with a friend at work, talking to family on the phone not in his presence, or accidentally sitting through a car commercial for which Patrick Steward did the voice over......you know - CRAZY BAD stuff like that?!).

Poor A has to go back this Saturday morning for a week, then with me, then three more weeks with the Dino, then with me.  It is going to be a long summer - or at least until 8/4, when A and I are headed up north for a fun family wedding, to see Jim Gaffigan in Rochester Hills, Michigan, and to generally have a fun time until school starts.  I am counting the days.

The Ache

I was listening to a radio interview of the writer, Michael Chabon.  He is mostly known as a fiction writer (Pulitzer Prize winning at that), but has two newer non-fiction books out.  I have been wanting to read them, especially since one of them is about writing - so I listened with keen interest.  He struck me as so bright, engaged in the world, caring and interesting.

I recalled hearing about some writing that Michael's wife, Ayelet Waldman, had done that raised the ire of some.  But what struck me about it was how much she loved (loves) her husband.  I had the same ache then as I had listening to Michael Chabon's more recent interview and Ayelet's interview on Fresh Air. I had the same ache when hearing two new, female faculty talk as we were out at a dinner about how difficult their new jobs would be because they both would have to (at least for several months) be away from their husbands.  I sensed that these declarations were real - not for show.

This is the ache.  Things were so horribly miserable just about every day I was married that I felt lucky that a good day was not getting made fun of, yelled at for some misperceived wrongdoing on my part (such as having the gall to sit through a commercial for which Patrick Stewart did the voice over!), or worse.  Everything was ramped up on a normal day, and spiked beyond my "normal" on many days.  I made a commitment and tried very hard to keep things going - telling myself over and over and over again that I made a commitment, I had a child with the this person and I was going to make this work.  I could do it!  The ache is in hearing people who have (or at least put forth that they have.....and I truly sense that Ayelet and Michael have it)....this bond, this passion, something, at the very least, that is workable.  I never had that, thought I would, worked so hard at it, but had to come to realize that it would never be.  The Dino and I met in grad school in our mid-twenties, had similar interests, seemed a fit, so what could go wrong!   But you can't wish or work some things into being.

This is not to suggest that the relationships to which I refer are perfect.  Perhaps they are miserable and putting on a good show of it.  My hunch is this is not the case.  My core point here is that a) relationships take work but b) if that core respect was never there or is no longer there (especially in the case of emotional and physical abuse) then that is completely different.

What makes me sad is that I never had the former (that bond, or any semblance of a reasonable life with the Dino) and mourn what I never had. I am joyful in some ways when I learn of those who have this in their life, but it makes me so very sad for the loss of what I really never had.

Invictus and Perspective

I just watched the movie, Invictus.  Not only was it a great movie, but the poem of the same name (that is woven into the film) got me to thinking.  The last verse says:

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

Those last two lines really got to me.  I try to instill in A and to live by the idea of focusing on today (not the past, and not an inappropriate amount about the future).  But that is difficult to do, especially when 50/50 coparenting with the Dino who so abused you in the past and continues to make life difficult for me and A.  The poem reminded me again to stay positive and to remember that I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul (despite Dino's attempts to control my fate and crush my soul).  I need to keep instilling that in A as well.

PS on Gizmodo

PS is everywhere, which was such a problem when I was married to the Dino. I get on gizmodo often to see what cool techy stuff is happening and here he was in all is Start Trek the Next Generation regalia! Gotta love it.

Socio Dino....Welcome to Our World

My wonderful, bright, sparkly 14 year old boy (will be calling him "A" for anonymity sake) went to his dad today for ten days....he of my so called obsession with Patrick Stewart fame (will call him Dino...you will see why in a minute). When you have to deal with someone who is a sociopath you sometimes do odd things or get a skewed view of reality. When A was 5 or 6 he said, "mom, you were able to leave, but I have to be there half the time!" He is so right. In the past, and sometimes still today, I have this sick feeling that I have  done something wrong because of comments by the Dino. A told me today he feels this way; that is, that he is a bad person and must have done something wrong...the Dino thought he had been betrayed (by A), but I had to tell him over and over again that this was not the case. Certainly easier said than done, since the only way I could deal with it was to get out. This is a man, after all, who became convinced that I had a damaging crush on Patrick Stewart because I once said I thought he was attractive.

I love Ryan North's Dinosaur Comics. This one seems fitting. As much as my family and friends tell me to let things go, it is difficult to deal with when your child spends half is time with a sociopathic Dino.....so to speak!