The Ache

I was listening to a radio interview of the writer, Michael Chabon.  He is mostly known as a fiction writer (Pulitzer Prize winning at that), but has two newer non-fiction books out.  I have been wanting to read them, especially since one of them is about writing - so I listened with keen interest.  He struck me as so bright, engaged in the world, caring and interesting.

I recalled hearing about some writing that Michael's wife, Ayelet Waldman, had done that raised the ire of some.  But what struck me about it was how much she loved (loves) her husband.  I had the same ache then as I had listening to Michael Chabon's more recent interview and Ayelet's interview on Fresh Air. I had the same ache when hearing two new, female faculty talk as we were out at a dinner about how difficult their new jobs would be because they both would have to (at least for several months) be away from their husbands.  I sensed that these declarations were real - not for show.

This is the ache.  Things were so horribly miserable just about every day I was married that I felt lucky that a good day was not getting made fun of, yelled at for some misperceived wrongdoing on my part (such as having the gall to sit through a commercial for which Patrick Stewart did the voice over!), or worse.  Everything was ramped up on a normal day, and spiked beyond my "normal" on many days.  I made a commitment and tried very hard to keep things going - telling myself over and over and over again that I made a commitment, I had a child with the this person and I was going to make this work.  I could do it!  The ache is in hearing people who have (or at least put forth that they have.....and I truly sense that Ayelet and Michael have it)....this bond, this passion, something, at the very least, that is workable.  I never had that, thought I would, worked so hard at it, but had to come to realize that it would never be.  The Dino and I met in grad school in our mid-twenties, had similar interests, seemed a fit, so what could go wrong!   But you can't wish or work some things into being.

This is not to suggest that the relationships to which I refer are perfect.  Perhaps they are miserable and putting on a good show of it.  My hunch is this is not the case.  My core point here is that a) relationships take work but b) if that core respect was never there or is no longer there (especially in the case of emotional and physical abuse) then that is completely different.

What makes me sad is that I never had the former (that bond, or any semblance of a reasonable life with the Dino) and mourn what I never had. I am joyful in some ways when I learn of those who have this in their life, but it makes me so very sad for the loss of what I really never had.