Right is Not Fair Co-Parenting with the Patrick Stewart Hating Dino

So the Dino and I have a very specific mediated agreement (that is, our divorce agreement that is a legally binding document).  This is a good thing in many ways.  We have very specific rules for our sharing pattern for A.  For summer we each give each other a two week time span by a specified date.  If there is a conflict then I get my preferred two week time span even number years and the Dino in odd number years.  We each get a two week time span and then divide the summer up into one week time spans.  Whoever has A for the last weekend of school does NOT have him the first weekend of summer.  The Dino has A for father's day weekend and the Dino's birthday (day before and day of).   [So I never request my two week span in mid to late June b/c the father's day/birthday rule trumps the two week time span rule.]

For the past two years the Dino has developed a summer schedule that was a bit different than that pattern.  It worked for my schedule, I like to pick my battles, so agreed to this.  Summer before last the basic pattern was to divide the summer into ten week time spans (A with Dino for ten days, then me, then dad, etc.).  This summer the Dino had several schedules, not finalizing summer until mid-June because he was disorganized about making his arrangements for summer.  I had already established my preferred two week time span (more or less) and was even somewhat flexible as to the start time of the time span.  The Dino kept tinker with the schedule, which was quite different (we each get a time span of almost three weeks.....with mine at the very end of the summer......good thing for me I said fine).  I wanted my two week time span to start a bit earlier (and it is MY year to get what I want in that regard) - but I was flexible.  I had wanted the Dino to fly A to me in the Chicago area (with a nonstop ticket I would purchase). But the Dino was not ok with that, although a) the Dino flew A up to his family alone when it was convenient for the Dino, b) A  has flown at least 100 times, and c) A is fine with flying alone.  Flying A up would give me a head start on my trip, but the Dino would not agree to this (despite my being flexible about the schedule).  I  keep telling myself to let things go, let thing go, let things go.  And for the most part I did not let this get to me, the schedule will work out, it is not perfect, but I am letting him pretty much develop the schedule.

A few weeks before summer started I called the Dino.  I was not sure that the beginning of the summer was structured the correct way.  I pointed this out to the Dino. That is, that he had written the schedule, but that he might want to double check.  He responded back to me in his usual haughty/arrogant way saying that the beginning of summer followed our mediated agreement (as in, "you idiot, I know what I am doing, how dare you question me.").  So I let it go.

Well he realized late on the first Friday of summer that As last day of school was the prior Wed (not the prior Thu, like the rest of the district......his charter school deviates some times).  If he had realized this, told me about this and asked to have A on Friday (instead of our planned transfer on that Saturday....AS PER the DINO's SCHEDULE that HE DEVELOPED!!!!) I would have done that.  Instead he go angry and nasty mid-Friday morning.  I pointed out to him that a) he had completely developed the schedule and that b) I tried to point out that things seemed a bit off.  Oh.....but it did not end there.

The Dino wanted to take A to a Boy Scout meeting today.  Mind you, I have let the Dino take A on many a summer Tuesday that is my time with A.  Even though such kindness would not be reciprocated to me, that is not the point.  I try very hard to do what is the right thing to do for Andrew, regardless of what is "fair."  That is not the point.  So I let the Dino take A.   I did ask about getting A into my care a few hours early (sort of a swap for the time tonight, and especially since I had not had A for about two weeks).  The Dino pointed out that he should have had one more day, but for the error in the schedule - so I really owed him time.  Ugh.  As my mother used to say, "no good deed goes unpunished."  Not letting the Dino have his COMPLETE way with the summer schedule.  Not giving him time for a Scout meeting. 

Then the topper was when the Dino met me a the library just before 9 pm tonight he called to say that he was out in the parking lot, that I needed to come out and meet them, and that he would welcome the extra few minutes until I came out.  I started to tell him to just send A in to me (it is a small library and he was perfectly safe sending him in to me).  But the Dino spoke at me and then hung up on me. 

Like so many sociopaths he is nice (like this Saturday when he wanted something from me) but can't even speak to me (let alone even thank me.....forget about ever thinking that will happen) once he has gotten what he wanted.  Having said this, would I let him take A for a Scout meeting if it mattered to A?  Probably.  Would I make copies of documents from Andrew's music portfolio (that the Dino took no responsibility for helping Andrew with, taking him to the concerts he needed to go to in order to write papers about, his Dave Brubeck project that took hours and hours and hours, etc.) so that Andrew could use it for a Boy Scout Badge.  Sure. 

I guess it gives me satisfaction to feel like I am doing what I think is right even if it is not fair - at least to me.  That is just how it is to have to deal with a sociopathic, Patrick Stewart hating Dino.  But it is not easy!  Sometimes I think I should fight all of these battles, not let things, go etc.  But the agony of it would be too difficult and I am not sure for what outcome.

 

The Ache Part 3 Under the Friday Night Lights

I have long heard about how wonderful Friday Night Lights is, although I have only watched a few.  Thanks to hulu I started watching a bunch of episodes from this season.  I have to agree with what I have read about the marriage of Eric and Tami Taylor as being one of the most realistic on television.  What a fantastic show I have been missing all of these years.  In the latest episode a coworker of Tami's kisses her (when he is drunk, after karaoke) and then feels compelled to tell Coach Taylor about it (how embarrassed he was, he was sorry, etc.).  Well, Tami had not told Eric about it.  But the amazing thing with this show is that in situations like this they handle it like I always thought things would be handled when you are married.  Yes, you makes mistakes.  Neither of you are perfect.  But you understand, talk about it, move on. That is, the occasional mistake, mis-step or something that is not shared is not construed as an ultimate betrayal that is a sign of your bad character and rocks the foundation of your very existence as a couple!

I can only imagine what the Dino would have done in this situation.  Well....I guess I could imagine.   I would be "in trouble" for weeks over something like that.  Just having the Dino think I looked at another man could lead to this.  Something like what occurred in Friday Night Lights this week might lead to a lecture (very much like ones I have had in the future and that A just had to experience) about how I was not valuing family, was an untrustworthy person, etc.- but over something that was not a lie, not a betrayal, etc.

It is nice to see - even if on tv.  I believe that sort of give and take does really exist!

What Would Capt. Piccard Do?

I have been catching up on old vlogbrother's videos.  The Dino would hate this one (especially at about 1:26). Of course I love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFmr4LinC4E

Passport to Nowhere

For the past several years the Dino has refused to give me As passport.  A has told me that the Dino has told him that he is worried I will take A out of the country and never come back.  Mind you, there is NO indication I would do anything like that.  I have no family outside of the US, my work does not take me there, etc.  Plus, I am really not the type of person to go on the run, not be able to see my family, and give my career all to flee to......where, Canada, France, South America.  Ugh.

So while the Dino has now taken A on three cruises I cannot because I cannot be guaranteed that I will be able to get As passport.  We will be in Michigan this summer and I wanted to take A up (or really down I guess, since we will be near Detroit and Canada is south) to Canada.  I could go on an on.

I have never taken the Dino back to court since things were finalized in 2002, but I think this passport business is such that I am going to do just that.  But I don't want to do that.  Again - ugh!