So the Dino has a habit of not responding to any sort of e-mail or phone call related to A by me that in any way suggests that I am an actual human who should be addressed in any sort of reasonable way. This waxes and wanes in severity, but is always there. I do tons of thinking and planning for As future - ideas for enriching experiences, summer camps, etc. Some of these are quite expensive! Our mediated agreement is such that in addition to paying child support I have to cover 65% of all medical and educational expenses.
So what the Dino does is wait and wait and wait and not respond to me about these things. Then way too close in time for me to even consider some of these things (finance wise) he makes them his ideas, suggests how great they would be for A, and asks me to respond. I usually point out that I raised many of these ideas months and months ago (like Mathpath camp, Duke TIP camp, Johns Hopkins summer camp), etc, but now only 6 or 8 weeks before these things start it is too late to work out - in terms of schedule and money. I guess the Dino has a different view, given that in effect he has a 65% discount on all of this stuff!
He actually asked the dentist once if he thought it was a good idea to start bringing A in every three months. Mind you, except for his baby teeth taking a long time to come out A has had NOTHING unusual going on up to that point. The dentist say "no" and that every six months would be fine. I live and breathe for A and if the dentist (who is great and I trust) said that we needed to bring him in more I would be right on it. But to push for that. I can only chalk it up to the 65% discount mentality.
The Dino went out and purchased a saxophone for A without me. 65% discount mentality.
The Dino has already discussed sending A to an expensive summer camp (3 weeks, $3,500ish, plus the cost of travel up there to North Carolina, etc,) with A and has decided this is a go next summer. To say the least I was thinking, yes, this is the 65% discount mentality again. And regardless of the cost it is something that we should discuss first as parents. But the reality is that I am support of A going to this thing next summer. It is just the method that sucks.
Oh, and oddly enough the inverse is not true. That is, I want to do something and the Dino makes a big deal about the cost to him. The 35% of the total of the cost. Ugh.
I only have about 5 more years of this, but I have a hunch come college time it will not be 35/65 but 0/100. But that will be what it will be and there is not anything I can do about that - now or in the future - so I am gearing up.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Right is Not Fair Co-Parenting with the Patrick Stewart Hating Dino
So the Dino and I have a very specific mediated agreement (that is, our divorce agreement that is a legally binding document). This is a good thing in many ways. We have very specific rules for our sharing pattern for A. For summer we each give each other a two week time span by a specified date. If there is a conflict then I get my preferred two week time span even number years and the Dino in odd number years. We each get a two week time span and then divide the summer up into one week time spans. Whoever has A for the last weekend of school does NOT have him the first weekend of summer. The Dino has A for father's day weekend and the Dino's birthday (day before and day of). [So I never request my two week span in mid to late June b/c the father's day/birthday rule trumps the two week time span rule.]
For the past two years the Dino has developed a summer schedule that was a bit different than that pattern. It worked for my schedule, I like to pick my battles, so agreed to this. Summer before last the basic pattern was to divide the summer into ten week time spans (A with Dino for ten days, then me, then dad, etc.). This summer the Dino had several schedules, not finalizing summer until mid-June because he was disorganized about making his arrangements for summer. I had already established my preferred two week time span (more or less) and was even somewhat flexible as to the start time of the time span. The Dino kept tinker with the schedule, which was quite different (we each get a time span of almost three weeks.....with mine at the very end of the summer......good thing for me I said fine). I wanted my two week time span to start a bit earlier (and it is MY year to get what I want in that regard) - but I was flexible. I had wanted the Dino to fly A to me in the Chicago area (with a nonstop ticket I would purchase). But the Dino was not ok with that, although a) the Dino flew A up to his family alone when it was convenient for the Dino, b) A has flown at least 100 times, and c) A is fine with flying alone. Flying A up would give me a head start on my trip, but the Dino would not agree to this (despite my being flexible about the schedule). I keep telling myself to let things go, let thing go, let things go. And for the most part I did not let this get to me, the schedule will work out, it is not perfect, but I am letting him pretty much develop the schedule.
A few weeks before summer started I called the Dino. I was not sure that the beginning of the summer was structured the correct way. I pointed this out to the Dino. That is, that he had written the schedule, but that he might want to double check. He responded back to me in his usual haughty/arrogant way saying that the beginning of summer followed our mediated agreement (as in, "you idiot, I know what I am doing, how dare you question me."). So I let it go.
Well he realized late on the first Friday of summer that As last day of school was the prior Wed (not the prior Thu, like the rest of the district......his charter school deviates some times). If he had realized this, told me about this and asked to have A on Friday (instead of our planned transfer on that Saturday....AS PER the DINO's SCHEDULE that HE DEVELOPED!!!!) I would have done that. Instead he go angry and nasty mid-Friday morning. I pointed out to him that a) he had completely developed the schedule and that b) I tried to point out that things seemed a bit off. Oh.....but it did not end there.
The Dino wanted to take A to a Boy Scout meeting today. Mind you, I have let the Dino take A on many a summer Tuesday that is my time with A. Even though such kindness would not be reciprocated to me, that is not the point. I try very hard to do what is the right thing to do for Andrew, regardless of what is "fair." That is not the point. So I let the Dino take A. I did ask about getting A into my care a few hours early (sort of a swap for the time tonight, and especially since I had not had A for about two weeks). The Dino pointed out that he should have had one more day, but for the error in the schedule - so I really owed him time. Ugh. As my mother used to say, "no good deed goes unpunished." Not letting the Dino have his COMPLETE way with the summer schedule. Not giving him time for a Scout meeting.
Then the topper was when the Dino met me a the library just before 9 pm tonight he called to say that he was out in the parking lot, that I needed to come out and meet them, and that he would welcome the extra few minutes until I came out. I started to tell him to just send A in to me (it is a small library and he was perfectly safe sending him in to me). But the Dino spoke at me and then hung up on me.
Like so many sociopaths he is nice (like this Saturday when he wanted something from me) but can't even speak to me (let alone even thank me.....forget about ever thinking that will happen) once he has gotten what he wanted. Having said this, would I let him take A for a Scout meeting if it mattered to A? Probably. Would I make copies of documents from Andrew's music portfolio (that the Dino took no responsibility for helping Andrew with, taking him to the concerts he needed to go to in order to write papers about, his Dave Brubeck project that took hours and hours and hours, etc.) so that Andrew could use it for a Boy Scout Badge. Sure.
I guess it gives me satisfaction to feel like I am doing what I think is right even if it is not fair - at least to me. That is just how it is to have to deal with a sociopathic, Patrick Stewart hating Dino. But it is not easy! Sometimes I think I should fight all of these battles, not let things, go etc. But the agony of it would be too difficult and I am not sure for what outcome.
For the past two years the Dino has developed a summer schedule that was a bit different than that pattern. It worked for my schedule, I like to pick my battles, so agreed to this. Summer before last the basic pattern was to divide the summer into ten week time spans (A with Dino for ten days, then me, then dad, etc.). This summer the Dino had several schedules, not finalizing summer until mid-June because he was disorganized about making his arrangements for summer. I had already established my preferred two week time span (more or less) and was even somewhat flexible as to the start time of the time span. The Dino kept tinker with the schedule, which was quite different (we each get a time span of almost three weeks.....with mine at the very end of the summer......good thing for me I said fine). I wanted my two week time span to start a bit earlier (and it is MY year to get what I want in that regard) - but I was flexible. I had wanted the Dino to fly A to me in the Chicago area (with a nonstop ticket I would purchase). But the Dino was not ok with that, although a) the Dino flew A up to his family alone when it was convenient for the Dino, b) A has flown at least 100 times, and c) A is fine with flying alone. Flying A up would give me a head start on my trip, but the Dino would not agree to this (despite my being flexible about the schedule). I keep telling myself to let things go, let thing go, let things go. And for the most part I did not let this get to me, the schedule will work out, it is not perfect, but I am letting him pretty much develop the schedule.
A few weeks before summer started I called the Dino. I was not sure that the beginning of the summer was structured the correct way. I pointed this out to the Dino. That is, that he had written the schedule, but that he might want to double check. He responded back to me in his usual haughty/arrogant way saying that the beginning of summer followed our mediated agreement (as in, "you idiot, I know what I am doing, how dare you question me."). So I let it go.
Well he realized late on the first Friday of summer that As last day of school was the prior Wed (not the prior Thu, like the rest of the district......his charter school deviates some times). If he had realized this, told me about this and asked to have A on Friday (instead of our planned transfer on that Saturday....AS PER the DINO's SCHEDULE that HE DEVELOPED!!!!) I would have done that. Instead he go angry and nasty mid-Friday morning. I pointed out to him that a) he had completely developed the schedule and that b) I tried to point out that things seemed a bit off. Oh.....but it did not end there.
The Dino wanted to take A to a Boy Scout meeting today. Mind you, I have let the Dino take A on many a summer Tuesday that is my time with A. Even though such kindness would not be reciprocated to me, that is not the point. I try very hard to do what is the right thing to do for Andrew, regardless of what is "fair." That is not the point. So I let the Dino take A. I did ask about getting A into my care a few hours early (sort of a swap for the time tonight, and especially since I had not had A for about two weeks). The Dino pointed out that he should have had one more day, but for the error in the schedule - so I really owed him time. Ugh. As my mother used to say, "no good deed goes unpunished." Not letting the Dino have his COMPLETE way with the summer schedule. Not giving him time for a Scout meeting.
Then the topper was when the Dino met me a the library just before 9 pm tonight he called to say that he was out in the parking lot, that I needed to come out and meet them, and that he would welcome the extra few minutes until I came out. I started to tell him to just send A in to me (it is a small library and he was perfectly safe sending him in to me). But the Dino spoke at me and then hung up on me.
Like so many sociopaths he is nice (like this Saturday when he wanted something from me) but can't even speak to me (let alone even thank me.....forget about ever thinking that will happen) once he has gotten what he wanted. Having said this, would I let him take A for a Scout meeting if it mattered to A? Probably. Would I make copies of documents from Andrew's music portfolio (that the Dino took no responsibility for helping Andrew with, taking him to the concerts he needed to go to in order to write papers about, his Dave Brubeck project that took hours and hours and hours, etc.) so that Andrew could use it for a Boy Scout Badge. Sure.
I guess it gives me satisfaction to feel like I am doing what I think is right even if it is not fair - at least to me. That is just how it is to have to deal with a sociopathic, Patrick Stewart hating Dino. But it is not easy! Sometimes I think I should fight all of these battles, not let things, go etc. But the agony of it would be too difficult and I am not sure for what outcome.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The Ache Part 3 Under the Friday Night Lights
I have long heard about how wonderful Friday Night Lights is, although I have only watched a few. Thanks to hulu I started watching a bunch of episodes from this season. I have to agree with what I have read about the marriage of Eric and Tami Taylor as being one of the most realistic on television. What a fantastic show I have been missing all of these years. In the latest episode a coworker of Tami's kisses her (when he is drunk, after karaoke) and then feels compelled to tell Coach Taylor about it (how embarrassed he was, he was sorry, etc.). Well, Tami had not told Eric about it. But the amazing thing with this show is that in situations like this they handle it like I always thought things would be handled when you are married. Yes, you makes mistakes. Neither of you are perfect. But you understand, talk about it, move on. That is, the occasional mistake, mis-step or something that is not shared is not construed as an ultimate betrayal that is a sign of your bad character and rocks the foundation of your very existence as a couple!
I can only imagine what the Dino would have done in this situation. Well....I guess I could imagine. I would be "in trouble" for weeks over something like that. Just having the Dino think I looked at another man could lead to this. Something like what occurred in Friday Night Lights this week might lead to a lecture (very much like ones I have had in the future and that A just had to experience) about how I was not valuing family, was an untrustworthy person, etc.- but over something that was not a lie, not a betrayal, etc.
It is nice to see - even if on tv. I believe that sort of give and take does really exist!
I can only imagine what the Dino would have done in this situation. Well....I guess I could imagine. I would be "in trouble" for weeks over something like that. Just having the Dino think I looked at another man could lead to this. Something like what occurred in Friday Night Lights this week might lead to a lecture (very much like ones I have had in the future and that A just had to experience) about how I was not valuing family, was an untrustworthy person, etc.- but over something that was not a lie, not a betrayal, etc.
It is nice to see - even if on tv. I believe that sort of give and take does really exist!
Friday, July 2, 2010
What Would Capt. Piccard Do?
I have been catching up on old vlogbrother's videos. The Dino would hate this one (especially at about 1:26). Of course I love it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFmr4LinC4E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFmr4LinC4E
Passport to Nowhere
For the past several years the Dino has refused to give me As passport. A has told me that the Dino has told him that he is worried I will take A out of the country and never come back. Mind you, there is NO indication I would do anything like that. I have no family outside of the US, my work does not take me there, etc. Plus, I am really not the type of person to go on the run, not be able to see my family, and give my career all to flee to......where, Canada, France, South America. Ugh.
So while the Dino has now taken A on three cruises I cannot because I cannot be guaranteed that I will be able to get As passport. We will be in Michigan this summer and I wanted to take A up (or really down I guess, since we will be near Detroit and Canada is south) to Canada. I could go on an on.
I have never taken the Dino back to court since things were finalized in 2002, but I think this passport business is such that I am going to do just that. But I don't want to do that. Again - ugh!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Ache Part 2
As I mentioned in a prior post, A and I discovered the Vlogbrothers recently. What is so great about them is they are funny, quirky, so bright and engaged in the world. They show kids like A that it is ok to be a nerd.....actually a nerdfighter - to dftba (don't forget to be awesome) and to try to decrease world suck. A is proud to be a nerd, but Hank and John have helped to reinforce as they would say A's "awesomeness." Really, go watch them!
But you can also tell how much they get along with, have a strong bond with, enjoy and love their wives (Catherine and Sara, aka, the Yeti). I thought the Dino was just such a nerd when we met in grad school, but this turned out to not be the case.
A and I are so enjoying catching up on Brotherhood 2.0 (the first year of the vlogs....we are up to July 2007). It is great to see these guys, but it makes me sad that my nerd turned out to be a dino. I guess I need the dino fighter in me, sad to say. (Image from http://www.jocoteenscene.org/templates/JCL_NewsListItem.aspx?id=8580&epslanguage=EN)
But you can also tell how much they get along with, have a strong bond with, enjoy and love their wives (Catherine and Sara, aka, the Yeti). I thought the Dino was just such a nerd when we met in grad school, but this turned out to not be the case.
A and I are so enjoying catching up on Brotherhood 2.0 (the first year of the vlogs....we are up to July 2007). It is great to see these guys, but it makes me sad that my nerd turned out to be a dino. I guess I need the dino fighter in me, sad to say. (Image from http://www.jocoteenscene.org/templates/JCL_NewsListItem.aspx?id=8580&epslanguage=EN)
Toy Story 3 Cover Story
Well, we had some Dino produced drama over going to see Toy Story 3. The Dino rarely goes to the movie theater, but he does like to take A to certain types of movies. Like a lot of 14 year old boys, as he has been growing up he has enjoyed Harry Potter books and movies. The Dino has staked a claim on this territory, which I have ceded. Yes, I wanted to take A to some of the movies when the opened, but the Dino told A that it was not ok for me to take A to these movies because the Dino wanted to take him to these movies. Now, mind you, on two occasions the movie release dates were on days that A was in my care. But trying to think of A and how he and the Dino share all things Harry Potter, I let the Dino take A to the movie on those days it opened. That is a) I did not take A and b) I allowed the Dino time to take A. The idea being that it is exciting to go to a moving on opening day/weekend. I was ok with this. It was for A and he was happy. No harm done.
The Dino has also told A that the Dino has a claim on all Pixar movies. Now, this I have more of an issue with. I have done the same for all Pixar movies as with Harry Potter. That is, not taken A to them until the Dino takes him to them, or until sufficient time passes (like two or three weeks) without the Dino taking him, after which time I figure it is ok because the Dino had his chance. But Toy Story is different. A an I enjoy these movies, they are some of his favorites, and BY FAR my favorite animated movies.
A was in his dad's care the weekend that Toy Story 3 opened, so I figured they would go that Sunday. They were returning from camp the day before, but there was an entire Sunday to go to the movie. A was returned to my care at 1 pm that Monday (after the movie opened). A asked me if we were going. I said that, yes, my plan was to go. He said that the Dino not only told A that he did not want A to see the movie with me, but that if I took A to see Toy Story 3 A should refuse to go into the movie theater and call his dad immediately.
Ok....deep breath......deep breath........
You may say - so what? Just let it go? Pick your battles! Yet, this is an example of my daily struggle. So often we cave to the Dino's demands because it does not matter, we can live with it, etc. Over and over and over again. But at what point am I teaching my child to stand up for himself? We tried to stand up to the Dino related to an Orlando band trip for which the Dino wanted (and got his way) to interrupt the trip and take A to our state capital for a Boy Scout event, for which a) A did not want to go (to the thing at the capital), b) A was scheduled to be in my care, and c) he did not communicate his plan, but communicated it to the school, with the school saying they could not communicate the plan to me because it was sent via the Dino in an e-mail. I will perhaps elaborate more in a future post in this fiasco, but things go too bad, nasty, contentious from the Dino that I felt the best thing to do was to let the Dino have his way. It is not what I wanted, it is not what A wanted, and it was not communicated to me in a reasonable way. But again, the Dino will take things to such an extreme that it is difficult to stand up to him. I plan on writing a post or two on some of these issues. But.....related to the Toy Story 3 thing, the decision was wrapped up in a larger history.
The really troubling thing is that if the Dino had called me up and said, "you know, I really enjoy sharing the Pixar movies with A. I did not have time to take him this weekend. Would you mind waiting to see it until I can bring him week after next?" But since V (wife #2 has moved back in after what I surmise is about a 9 month absence) the has not talked to me directly as a normal human being (unless perhaps in the presence of others - such as at the doctor's appointment with A last week - but only when the doctors were in the room - so as to appear as a reasonable dino). He only talks to A or at A for things that should be discussed with me. So asking such a thing would require treating me like a human being - talking to me. I guess dinos don't do that!
At first I thought, "whatever, I will cave and we will not go to the movie." But I really wanted to go, A wanted to go with me, so we went. I invited As best friend since kindergarten and his mom (and then his sister and her friend) to the movie. We had wanted to get together anyway and making it a group event gave A a bit more cover. After the angst created by the Dino quite recently from the Dino accusing A of lying to the Dino about swimming (A did not really lie....he just did not announce in nightly phone calls that he swam), A is especially sensitive and worried about the Dino thinking A is lying.
So this is A, throughout early this week:
"What if daddy asks why I went into the theater with you? What if he asks why I did not call? I could lie and say that I did not go to the movie but being caught in such a lie would be very bad,"....given the swimming non-lie debacle of 2010. So As story is that he went with his best buddy and a group (so it was difficult to not go....moreso than if it was just mom) and we did not have phones on us (of course by purpose....we made sure they were in the car so that he was not "lying."). But of course all of this is a fiction and is teaching A to lie as needed.
I hate this! It is so difficult to know what to do! What are the smaller battles to let go? Should a 14 year old need a plausible "cover" to go to an animated movie with his mom? How are they related to the larger battles? How to convey to in a constructive way to A that these choices are not normal, and that he needs to realize that when he is an adult he will still need to learn how to stand up to the Dino (and my concern that if we don't start with the smaller things how will he be equipped to stand up for the larger issues).
In the end I gave A explicit permission (although he knows it implicitly) to "throw me under the bus." That is, blame me for stuff, for taking him to the movie, etc. But is that ok as well?
I have been struggling as of late to not ruminate on these things (in my head or to A in any way). I think I succeeded this week as much as someone can feel like they have succeeded at a crazy task such as this (figuring out how to go see a movie in a way that will not get a Dino mad at you, accusing you of being a liar, a bad son, etc.). We went to the move and had a GREAT TIME! No angst once we had the initial few discussions, lots of fun....yeah Woody and Buzz. :-)
The Dino has also told A that the Dino has a claim on all Pixar movies. Now, this I have more of an issue with. I have done the same for all Pixar movies as with Harry Potter. That is, not taken A to them until the Dino takes him to them, or until sufficient time passes (like two or three weeks) without the Dino taking him, after which time I figure it is ok because the Dino had his chance. But Toy Story is different. A an I enjoy these movies, they are some of his favorites, and BY FAR my favorite animated movies.
A was in his dad's care the weekend that Toy Story 3 opened, so I figured they would go that Sunday. They were returning from camp the day before, but there was an entire Sunday to go to the movie. A was returned to my care at 1 pm that Monday (after the movie opened). A asked me if we were going. I said that, yes, my plan was to go. He said that the Dino not only told A that he did not want A to see the movie with me, but that if I took A to see Toy Story 3 A should refuse to go into the movie theater and call his dad immediately.
Ok....deep breath......deep breath........
You may say - so what? Just let it go? Pick your battles! Yet, this is an example of my daily struggle. So often we cave to the Dino's demands because it does not matter, we can live with it, etc. Over and over and over again. But at what point am I teaching my child to stand up for himself? We tried to stand up to the Dino related to an Orlando band trip for which the Dino wanted (and got his way) to interrupt the trip and take A to our state capital for a Boy Scout event, for which a) A did not want to go (to the thing at the capital), b) A was scheduled to be in my care, and c) he did not communicate his plan, but communicated it to the school, with the school saying they could not communicate the plan to me because it was sent via the Dino in an e-mail. I will perhaps elaborate more in a future post in this fiasco, but things go too bad, nasty, contentious from the Dino that I felt the best thing to do was to let the Dino have his way. It is not what I wanted, it is not what A wanted, and it was not communicated to me in a reasonable way. But again, the Dino will take things to such an extreme that it is difficult to stand up to him. I plan on writing a post or two on some of these issues. But.....related to the Toy Story 3 thing, the decision was wrapped up in a larger history.
The really troubling thing is that if the Dino had called me up and said, "you know, I really enjoy sharing the Pixar movies with A. I did not have time to take him this weekend. Would you mind waiting to see it until I can bring him week after next?" But since V (wife #2 has moved back in after what I surmise is about a 9 month absence) the has not talked to me directly as a normal human being (unless perhaps in the presence of others - such as at the doctor's appointment with A last week - but only when the doctors were in the room - so as to appear as a reasonable dino). He only talks to A or at A for things that should be discussed with me. So asking such a thing would require treating me like a human being - talking to me. I guess dinos don't do that!
At first I thought, "whatever, I will cave and we will not go to the movie." But I really wanted to go, A wanted to go with me, so we went. I invited As best friend since kindergarten and his mom (and then his sister and her friend) to the movie. We had wanted to get together anyway and making it a group event gave A a bit more cover. After the angst created by the Dino quite recently from the Dino accusing A of lying to the Dino about swimming (A did not really lie....he just did not announce in nightly phone calls that he swam), A is especially sensitive and worried about the Dino thinking A is lying.
So this is A, throughout early this week:
"What if daddy asks why I went into the theater with you? What if he asks why I did not call? I could lie and say that I did not go to the movie but being caught in such a lie would be very bad,"....given the swimming non-lie debacle of 2010. So As story is that he went with his best buddy and a group (so it was difficult to not go....moreso than if it was just mom) and we did not have phones on us (of course by purpose....we made sure they were in the car so that he was not "lying."). But of course all of this is a fiction and is teaching A to lie as needed.
I hate this! It is so difficult to know what to do! What are the smaller battles to let go? Should a 14 year old need a plausible "cover" to go to an animated movie with his mom? How are they related to the larger battles? How to convey to in a constructive way to A that these choices are not normal, and that he needs to realize that when he is an adult he will still need to learn how to stand up to the Dino (and my concern that if we don't start with the smaller things how will he be equipped to stand up for the larger issues).
In the end I gave A explicit permission (although he knows it implicitly) to "throw me under the bus." That is, blame me for stuff, for taking him to the movie, etc. But is that ok as well?
I have been struggling as of late to not ruminate on these things (in my head or to A in any way). I think I succeeded this week as much as someone can feel like they have succeeded at a crazy task such as this (figuring out how to go see a movie in a way that will not get a Dino mad at you, accusing you of being a liar, a bad son, etc.). We went to the move and had a GREAT TIME! No angst once we had the initial few discussions, lots of fun....yeah Woody and Buzz. :-)
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